


Bokuto Koutaro: The Best Actor of All

by vocari



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bokuto being a liar, Depressed Bokuto Koutarou, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Minor Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:22:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28493085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vocari/pseuds/vocari
Summary: The saying goes that the best liars are the ones who lie to themselves. Koutaro knows first-hand how true this is.He tells himself he’s not hungry when he knows his stomach is grumbling and almost begging him to eat, even if it was that moldy sandwich he’s had in his fridge for a week. He tells himself he’s happy with how his life is going, and that’s he’s lucky to be alive. He tells himself that he loves himself and that people love him too.But it’s all a lie, because no one loves him and because he hates himself.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 2
Kudos: 47





	Bokuto Koutaro: The Best Actor of All

**Author's Note:**

> BEFORE YOU READ: this story deals with a lot of self-hatred, mentioned self-harm, and a suicide attempt. please don't read if you are sensitive to such subject matters.

Will he ever be truly happy with the way his life is going? 

It’s a question that his mother and step-fathers had asked him, but Koutaro himself refuses to acknowledge it, and instead, keeps it in the back of his mind. This way, he’s able to play his part as the bright, cheerful, and always smiling man in everyone’s life, like he always has, his true feelings be damned. 

It’s not like he’s always been like this. 

He can vaguely recall a point in his life where he always thought the best of people, even when they made decisions that should’ve made Koutaro turn his back on them. He likes to think that he was happy before, when all he had to worry about was if he put his shoes on the right feet or not. Happy days, he calls them. The good days. 

Koutaro doesn’t know when it happened. Was it when his mother first began nagging at him to be more presentable when there were guests, lest he be an embarrassment to her? Was it when he realized that people were truly just monsters? No, it wasn’t any of these. He knows his life was doomed the moment his biological father looked him in the eye and said to him—

“I don’t love you. No one loves you,”

—and from there, Koutaro kept this with him for 18 years. 

A lot of the things he accomplished in his life has been for him and him only. Call him selfish, but Koutaro truly believed that he had no one else to do it for. If he wanted to survive in a world where people would congratulate him, only to whisper behind their hands how awful of a child he was, then everything he did had to be for him and himself _only._

Because no one loves him, remember?

What’s it like to wake up and thank the heavens that you’re alive and well? 

Koutaro remembers waking up and thinking about how miserable he was, then praying that his life ends soon. There was no point in living if he felt like he was dead all the time. 

"Live for your family!" 

What family is there to live for? Koutaro doesn't know. His mother doesn't care. Neither do his step-fathers or his real father. He has no one.

A lot of people had told him how lucky he was to live in a two-story house with four bedrooms, and a mother who had a good job where she never had to worry about what bill not to pay, just to put food on the table. 

It’s true, in a sense. 

Koutaro supposes he is lucky that he has a roof over his head, has food always stocked in the fridge, and has money liquidated into some of his off-shore accounts every two weeks. 

Maybe that’s why he never allows himself to cry, or show people how actually fucking bad he wanted to kill himself and get it all over with already. It’s not like anyone would care. 

Because no one loves him. Right? 

Honestly, Koutaro would sometimes think he did a better job at acting than any of the people he saw in the movies he never finished watching. 

For starters, he can make himself cry whenever he wants to, just to spite his mother. It’s a talent he’s always had, which sometimes results in his mother calling him a sensitive little boy who was only good for meltdowns. Then again, it was still a useful trick to have in case it was needed. But he always reminded himself that the tears were fake, because he really wasn’t allowed to cry, or else he’d be the sensitive boy his mother said he was. And he didn’t want his mother to be correct. 

Then are the facial expressions he’s mastered. He has his business face (which is really just a polite smile) that he uses to attract people with money and control to support him and his step-father in whatever they needed. Then there was his happy face, which was getting easier to use. Smile, blush, and squint your eyes just a bit more. Oh, and remember to use your teeth! Koutaro uses this face whenever he was gifted something or complimented. 

But the real talent Koutaro believes he has is the lying. The lying has become second nature to him. It’s disgusting and he knows that. But it doesn’t stop. 

He can lie about anything. Whether he ate or not, if he liked the drawings the little kids drew for him when he goes to volunteer at daycares (it’s really just for his reputation), and when he’s with his friends. 

Koutaro is a liar. And he doesn’t care. (It’s a lie. He wishes he was better). 

He’s lied all his life and nothing bad has come out of it. In fact, the lies he’s told had been for the good of people, which means they really weren’t all too bad. So he shouldn’t feel bad. Actually, he doesn’t! (Another lie). 

The saying goes that the best liars are the ones who lie to themselves. Koutaro knows first-hand how true this is. 

He tells himself he’s not hungry when he knows his stomach is grumbling and almost begging him to eat, even if it was that moldy sandwich he’s had in his fridge for a week. He tells himself he’s happy with how his life is going, and that’s he’s lucky to be alive. He tells himself that he loves himself and that people love him too. 

But it’s all a lie, because no one loves him and because he hates himself. 

Koutaro lies to Tetsuro, to Kenma, to Keiji, to his mother, and even that lady at the grocery shop he sees every week when he goes to buy more food. 

“Honey, I’m trying this new face mask! Does it make me look younger? How’s my skin?” she asks him. 

Koutaro smiles. It’s annoying, but he forces himself to blush. “I think you look much younger Miss. I was wondering why your skin looked so good! Do you mind telling me the names of the products?” 

_‘No, you look just as wrinkly and old as always. In fact, I think it made you look 20 years older than you are! Do yourself a favor and just use the makeup.’_ is what he wishes he could say. 

“Of course I’ll tell you!” 

And after stifling a groan and stopping himself from rolling his eyes, he widens his smile and pretends to listen as she babbles on and on about how cheap the products were. 

No wonder they didn’t work. 

The thing about having to lie to his best friends originally started as a mistake. He had told himself before that he would tell them the truth but ended up breaking that promise. 

“Bro! We should go try out this restaurant that just opened a few blocks away! I’ll order for you and pay, just come with!” Tetsuro exclaims. 

_‘No thanks. Let me stay home. You know I hate talking to people and you know I hate trying new things. Don’t you ever listen to anything I say?’_ is what Koutaro thinks. 

“Sounds great! Let me get a jacket and we can go! I’m so excited!!” is what he says instead. 

It’s so exhausting having to keep up the same damn facade every damn day. 

Koutaro leans against the railing on the bridge and stares down at the shallow waters below. Right now, he was sort of facing a problem. Scratch that, this is a mid-life crisis. 

Earlier today, Keiji had confessed to him. It was on the roof where they always have their lunch. Keiji, being the straight-forward boy he’s always been, just outright said it. 

Koutaro had lied. 

He said he didn’t return Keiji’s feelings. And when asked if they could at least remain friends, Koutaro had said—

“I don’t think I’m gonna be comfortable around you anymore. We can keep the whole happy face up for the team, but I…I don’t think I wanna hang out anymore. Or ever.” 

—And Keiji believed it because Keiji doesn’t know a single thing about Koutaro. 

So Koutaro left. He ditched the rest of his classes, ignored the team’s calls about where he was, and just ran to the bridge where he could be by himself. He decides to lift himself up and stand on the small little ledge there was. Blood is dripping down his wrist and is leaving handprints on the metal. From there, he imagines how it’d feel like to just…let go. 

It wouldn’t do any bad. 

Keiji probably hates him. Tetsuro and Kenma won’t care either, and neither would his mother or any of his step-fathers. 

Because no one loves him. 

So he lets go. 

———————————————

He hopes he’s dead. 

He prays that once he opens his eyes, his mother isn’t there talking to a doctor, Tetsuro and Kenma aren’t quietly talking to one another, and Keiji isn’t holding his hand and whispering to please wake up already. 

He hopes he’s dead. 

Because if he isn't, then he’ll have to tell them why he did what he did. 

Then he’ll have to explain that he’s been lying to them all and that they have all just been idiots for believing that he was leading a happy and fulfilled life. 

He’ll have to say that he’s one hell of an actor if he’s been able to pull off the same fucking facade for 18 fucking years. 

And he doesn’t want to explain, because then they’ll all know how he really is, and then they’ll all leave him. 

And then his father’s words would really be true. 

No one loves him. 

So he stays like that. Listening to everyone’s words and the small sobs. It’s honestly annoying. 

Another lie. 

Koutaro’s exhausted. He wants to let go. Why won’t people let him let go? 

He thinks he’ll be happy once he finally dies. He hopes he’ll finally be happy. 

He opens his eyes. 

It’s been a few hours. His mother isn’t there. Of course she isn’t. 

Kenma fell asleep on Tetsuro. 

And Keiji is still next to him, talking to Tetsuro. 

A gasp. 

Koutaro’s being embraced and he can briefly smell the odor of sweat and Keiji’s signature scent of pine trees. 

How disgusting. Another lie. 

Then it’s Tetsuro’s arms, around him and the smell of cheap cologne and even more sweat. 

He pushes them all away. 

“Bokuto, what happened to you man!?” Tetsuro looks shocked. 

“What the hell am I doing here!?” Koutaro shouts. He's angry. “Why are you all here!? I should be dead, or far away from any of you!” 

Keiji’s eyes widen. “Why would you want that? We care about you! Of course we’d be here after you tried killing yourself!”

“Why did you even do that!?” Tetsuro shouts back. Koutaro can see in his eyes how disappointed he was. 

“Because I hate myself dammit!” Tears are flowing from his eyes. Koutaro wants to let go. No more lies. The cold hard truth. And if they can’t accept that, then he doesn’t need them. (Another lie). “It’s all been a lie! I’M A LIAR, YOU HEAR ME!?”

Koutaro breaks down into more sobs. 

“I’m not happy at all! All these stupid smiles and laughs that I do for you are lies! And it’s so incredibly tiring! I just want to let go! So let me LET GO OF IT ALL! LET ME DIE!” 

Tetsuro can’t watch through his tears. He leaves with Kenma in tow. It’s just Keiji there with him. “How could you hate yourself?” he asks through his cries. 

“How can you not hate me?” Koutaro asks in return. 

“Because I’m in love with you.”

Koutaro manages a laugh through his mess of tears. “How can anyone love me…No one’s supposed to love me.” 

“I love you.” 

“No, you don’t.” 

“I do.” Keiji wipes his tears with the hem of his T-shirt. “So please…Don’t lie anymore…and tell me why you did what you did.” 

“I already told you,” Koutaro says through grit teeth. “Because I hate myself. Do you have any idea how hard it is to lie for 18 years!? I’m sick of it!” 

“Then stop lying! Tell the truth! It doesn’t mean you need to kill yourself!” 

“I’m in love with you, okay!? I’ve always been in love with you since the second you walked into the gym during your first-year! I was so scared that I would start lying to you too! I’ve never felt this way about anyone before and it’s scary! I didn’t want to hurt you, but I lied anyway! Because that’s the way it’s always been and I didn’t want to do it anymore! So killing myself was the only way out!!” 

Keiji can’t speak. 

“No one is supposed to love me! My father knows it, my mother knows it, and even Kuroo and Kenma know it! So how can you be in love with me!? You don’t even know me!” 

It’s true. 

Keiji knows it’s true. Yet the mess Koutaro had called himself doesn’t change anything. Keiji loves him. Yes, Keiji is _in_ love with Bokuto Koutaro.

“Then help me.” Keiji decides on saying. “Help me understand you. Help me get to know you.” 

“You don’t wanna know me.” Koutaro scoffs. “I’m disgusting. I’m a monster. I’m the best actor of all. You won’t be able to love me.”

“You’re wrong.”

“I’m not.” 

“I’m going to prove you wrong.”

“Don’t hold your breath.”

———————————————

He fucked up his role. Koutaro, I mean. He failed as an actor. 

“Bokkun! Hurry up already!” 

“Oh Tsum Tsum! I can’t move my legs!!” 

It’s not a lie. 

“Yer fiancé is waitin' for ya!” 

“Keiji!?” 

Atsumu nods. 

“WHERE IS HE!? IS KUROO HERE TOO!? AND KENMA!?”

“Jesus—KEEP IT DOWN BOKKUN! MY EARS ARE STILL RINGIN' AFTER YER SPIKE!” 

Koutaro runs. He runs off the court and into the arms of the man who proved him wrong. 

“KEIJI! DIDJA SEE MY SPIKE! IT WAS AWESOME WASN’T IT!?”

Keiji laughs and wraps his arms around Koutaro, despite the sweat all over his back. “Yes, I saw it Koutaro. Kuroo-san and Kenma are waiting for us.” 

Koutaro’s happy. He thinks he’s happy. 

I mean, the smiles aren’t fake. He doesn’t feel so drained anymore. He wants to live. 

And guess what? 

He even wakes up happy now. 

Miracle, isn’t it? 

“Bokuto, bro!” Tetsuro shouts. “You fucking did it!” 

Koutaro throws his hands up in excitement. “I did it bro!!”

It’s not too long of a ride after the game and to the restaurant Tetsuro had wanted to try. 

Koutaro spends the majority of it listening to Kenma complain about the investors who had wanted more and more video games made.

Koutaro knows he’s happy now. He loves Keiji. Keiji loves him. Right? 

“Keiji,” Koutaro whispers. “I love you.”

Keiji smiles. “I love you too.” 

It’s not a lie.

**Author's Note:**

> this story was a bit of a personal one for me. a lot of this was written based on me and the way i feel. i hope you all indulge in some fluff afterwards!! 
> 
> it would mean a lot to me if you could check out the other stories i have written, which you can see from my profile!! i have the ongoing series 'Hey Lover' which deals with bokuto, his anxiety and his ocd. i also have 'Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow', which is another bokuaka angst. 
> 
> kudos and comments are appreciated! i hope you all had a good read!


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